Itch for Clark
Yesterday, a group of Clark supporters spent about 5 hours on the Route 95 overpass on Smith Street waving signs at oncoming motorists. It was pretty chilly, especially when the wind kicked up. I don't know if I have dry skin or what, but I got really itchy, mostly in my rear and upper thigh regions. So I was there on the overpass scratching myself like a coon dog. That's the way to get someone to vote for your guy -- scratch yourself like a degenerate on a highway overpass.

While we were there, fellow Clark supporter Steve Wend told me he had been doing a little math trying to get his mind around the $87 billion. Here's what he came up: if you spent $1 million a day, it would take almost 240 years to spend $87 billion. Just wanted to share that with all of you who love Bush but think you're a fiscal conservative.

Let the protest letters fly!
I'm sure those conservatives who went bananas about the Reagan mini-series and were successful getting it kicked off CBS have a little energy left. Pick up your crayons, gang, and write to NBC about tonight's Jessica Lynch movie. You love the truth, right? The thought of dishonesty on a television movie angers you even more than the idea of women in the workplace, si? Well, let NBC know you are pissed that the movie they're putting on has nothing to do with reality. Our source? Uhhh, Jessica Lynch herself. She has said she didn't even get off a round, let alone fight and claw until her last breath. When the story came out in April, the information came from "US officials." Now, the Defense Department says it was the media that blew her story up. But it had to be someone in the government who gave them the story. So, my conservative friends, start your writing!

Fashion debate
I watched the Democratic "Rock the Vote" debate with great anticipation the other night. Not because I expected to hear anything different, but because the candidates were appearing before a group of twenty-somethings so I knew there was an opportunity that something really dorky would happen. The first question was: how would the candidates dress? Of course, Dean had his sleeves rolled up to his shoulders. Sharpton took his jacket off and then unbuttoned his vest. It was not good. Clark and Kucinich had pretty much the same thing on, a black mock turtleneck with a dark suit. Clark looked pretty cool; Kucinich looked like he would either bust into a folk song or order an attack on the U.S.S. Enterprise. I'm sorry, but he is a weird looking dude. The best part was the 30-second videos each campaign produced for the event. Lieberman's was the best (meaning worst) with this insane techno music that would literally melt your brain if you had to listen to it for more than one minute. The other videos also had crazy music and editing. Dean's was actually sped up so he was moving around all fast. Do the candidates think all kids are on ecstacy or something? I wanted to switch to decaf after seeing all the videos.

Hot blanket
My wife has this big, puffy blanket that she busts out when the weather starts to turn. When you lay on top of it, it's like a big cloud. When you lay under it, the trouble starts. It takes a few seconds but it gets about 300 degrees under the blanket after about 20 seconds. Last night, I came to bed late and she had already pushed the hot blanket to my side. I got under it but I got so uncomfortable I had to push it off me. In a bold strategic move, I pushed it in a big bunch on her. Take that! The hot blanket is on you now! She just threw it on the floor. I hope it didn't land on one of the cats or the damn thing will be a pile of bones and fur. Ahhh! The hot blanket!

Open letter to George
Dear George:

I know the Administration's strategy is to not talk about casualties or soldiers who have had their limbs blown off in Iraq. Still, it would have been nice if you at least once mentioned the downed helicopter and the soldiers who lost their lives over the weekend. You've made a number of public appearances since the downing of the helicopter, but never mentioned them. (Is that a "Yes, Mr. Rove!" I hear in the background?)Also, your Administration has forbidden the media from filming any of the caskets of dead soldiers coming home. The Administration complains that the media isn't carrying the good news about hospitals and schools reopening. Of course, the fact that we blew those places up in the first place shouldn't enter into the discussion, right? George, I have a request: go to at least one funeral of a dead soldier. Look the family members in the eye and tell them how you let Cheney, Rummy, and Wolfowitz talk you into something you never understood and that had nothing to do with 9-11. And here's something else you should say to families: "Those young men and women who died had more guts in their little toe than I have in my whole body." Feel free to use those exact words, Mr. President.

Save Freddy G!
I was never a cat person, although my wife and I have five cats now. Here's how it happened: we had one cat Ruby and about two years ago, a pregnant street cat ended up in our basement. When she delivered, we gave away as many as we could, but kept the two we couldn't give away and adopted the mother cat. Now, there's a stray in our neighborhood who we feed. We named him Freddy G after a guy who plays golf with our next door neighbor. I've only met Fred G (the golfer) once when he came to pick up my neighbor, who we call Melrose Cousin. Fred G (the golfer) has a vanity license plate "fredg". The day I saw it was the day the stray cat started showing up on our doorstep so we named the cat Freddie G. As for Melrose Cousin, we call him that because he had a cousin who acted on Melrose Place. I can't remember our neighbor's real name or the name of his cousin who was on Melrose Place for that matter. The point of this post is, Freddie G (the cat) is available for adoption and he's awesome! Let me know if you're interested,

Reunion rejection
A guy I work with graduated from high school with me. I don't really remember him but he's a nice guy, although he might have been a jerk 20 years ago. Who knows? Our 20 year reunion was last month and he kept asking me if I was going. I wasn't interested in going. I just wasn't sure what I would talk to anyone about. I went to my wife's five year reunion at Yale. One of the only people I met there who I liked was my wife's old boyfriend who now works for Troma Films, the company that make the Toxic Avenger movies. That was pretty cool. The rest of them were getting advanced degrees and seemed only interested in telling everyone how well they were doing. My college reunion would be "Remember the time you threw up off the balcony and it hit so-and-so?" I'm not sure what I'd talk about at my high school reunion. Maybe about how skinny I was and how I had braces for all three years. The truth is, I blew off so many days of high school and never got caught. The reason I never got caught was not because I was slick. I never got caught because I never got in any other kind of trouble so the administration had no idea who I was. They probably thought I was just a sickly kid.

Chinese boss
When I was in my twenties, I worked at an Italian restaurant that was owned by two Greeks. Most of the kitchen help was from Senegal. If it sounds like the Tower of Babel, it was. Anyway, the guys from Senegal were very nice and I became friendly with a few of them. One day, the owners were interviewing a man for an open manager's position. He happened to be Asian-American. One of the Senegalese dudes kept laughing when he saw him. I asked him what was so funny. He said,in his broken English, "Chinese boss! Chinese boss!" I have no idea why he thought that was funny, but when I think about it today, it makes me laugh.

Connect the dots
The tragic death of all those soliders in Iraq could have been avoided if not for a small group of men who now hold power in this country. And I'm not just talking about the 20 who were killed when their helicopter was shot down over the weekend. I'm talking about the hundreds who died and the thousands who were injured. And when I'm talking about the small group of men who hold power, I'm not talking about George W. Bush. He had no thoughts about foreign policy when he was running for President and the only thoughts he has now are the ones his advisors place in his empty head. Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and Perle are among the handful of conservatives who drove this country to Iraq. They've been planning it for years in their group "Project for a New American Century" and 9-11 gave them the chance to follow through on their dreams of taking down Iraq. Too bad all those American kids had to die for the greedy desires of a bunch of old men who only soil their hands when they count their money.

My family vs. the Entemann's Corp.
You know how all these lard asses sue McDonald's because they didn't know that the triple-bacon cheesburger was fattening? ("It is?," said one obese McDonald's lover. "This is an outrage!") I'm going to sue the Entemann's Corporation over the stuff they sell. I've been known to eat a box of the rasberry danish thingy that is like a foot-long. My wife told me she ate a whole box of little Entemann's donuts the other day. She's skinny so she can get away with it. Damn you, Entemann's, damn you!